From the very beginning, we were completely on the same page, and we had lots of fun experimenting, exploring our fantasies, and so on, in a very free and caring way. He’s also very hot, and sex with him is just amazing.
My husband is the most caring, intelligent, and beautiful human being I’ve ever met. I am a 30-year-old woman who married her husband (also 30) in May, together for a little over two years. However, if you lose out on opportunities for romance with good dudes over your conception of what a real man sounds like (as reality is actually staring you right in the face), well, maybe that serves you right. Desire is complicated, and I don’t think you’re obligated to force yourself into a relationship with someone possessing even the most superficial of what you consider to be no-gos. If these guys are so great, think twice about treating them the way unkind strangers already might have. The threat of violence aside, some people simply just don’t take you seriously when you scan as “nelly” to their ears. For as much as a gay voice can be a blessing, it can also put an immediate target on its owner as soon as he opens his mouth and attempts to function in the world as anyone would. It’s not homophobic for you not to want to date gay men (that’s merely efficient), but before you start patting yourself on the back, realize that you aren’t exhibiting the most open of minds. So maybe these guys aren’t gay, or maybe they’re bi or queer. Unlike other cultural signifiers, gay-associated culture permeates its inhabitants in unexpected ways because gay culture is generally not inherited traditionally, from one familial generation to the next. In that Details piece, Corff reported working with a guy whose gay voice he apparently picked up by dancing in a ballet company and another whose may have derived from the fashion people his dress-shop owner parents always had around. It is also not true that if he sleeps with men, then he must only sleep with men. It is not true that if he has gay voice, then he must only sleep with men. If-then reasoning does not apply to this issue, as you present it. Complicating matters further is our understanding of sexuality not as a binary but as a spectrum. Do I Sound Gay? profiles at least one self-identified straight guy who is often mistaken for gay because of the sound of his voice. Of course, not all gay guys have gay voice and not all guys with gay voice are gay. I say hello and it’s a done deal.” There’s even a well-known voice coach, Bob Corff, who has specialized in ridding interested parties of their gay voice, which he defines in opposition to the monotone of “straight voice.” (You can read a 2010 interview with him from the now-defunct Details on his personal site.) There’s a lovely quote in the aforementioned documentary from a young gay guy: “I love my gay voice. For many, it remains among the most blatant cultural signifiers of gayness, which I guess sucks for people who don’t want to sound gay but is great for those who do. There’s even a documentary about it, 2014’s Do I Sound Gay?, directed by David Thorpe. It has been analyzed by experts and immortalized by the likes of ’70s game-show staples Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reilly. You’re referencing the documented phenomenon of male “gay voice.” You know it when you hear it: sibilant s sounds, perhaps a lisp, a melodic sentence flow prone to sonic flights of fancy. I know it’s up to me to decide if I find them attractive and move ahead, but I guess I want someone to tell me that it’s possible that I’m a nincompoop here and that straight men can “sound gay.” Here are my specific fears-that one or both of these men are in denial about their gender preferences OR that I’m passing up on some fantastic men because they are indeed straight. I can’t even tell if I sound homophobic here, but is it homophobic to be a straight woman and not want to date a gay man? See? My brain is a mess. I am not proud of my response, which is to not want to go out with them again. This is kind of a libido killer for me, and it makes my brain spin. I have met two men who would like to date me, and they both are great! And, they both sound completely gay-like, out-of-the-closet, effeminate-speech gay. I recently started dating again and have just recently been confronted by a situation that’s left me scratching my head. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. I’m Afraid My Sex Life Is About to Destroy My Very Public Career My Husband Thinks I Don’t Have Sex With Him Because It’s “Typical” for Married Couples. My Boyfriend’s Strange Habit After We Finish Having Sex Breaks My Heart